I'm Sorry.

It's been a while since you've seen me in your inbox, but I promise I haven't died or forgotten, I've just been really struggling mentally and physically. With our dire financial situation coming down to the wire, and my husband trying to keep us afloat on his income alone, things in our house have been very stressful. To add insult to injury, my Remicade infusion was canceled 2 hours before check-in time - a month ago.

All of the stress - and lack of medication to suppress my immune system​ - really fucked me up. I've been in bed bawling at the drop of a hat, unable to walk much more than across the layout of my home without becoming so stiff and painful I can't stand straight. I finally got my infusion Thursday, but it hasn't really kicked in yet after the long break. Here's to hoping the pain chills out a bit soon.

I should have kept you all updated, and I'm sorry I haven't. I really struggle with asking for support or help from others. I just compartmentalize and ruminate over everything in my mind like a medieval torture device of my own making. I wish I knew how to turn that off.

Going forward, I don't know that I can promise a set amount of articles per week/month, but I can promise to be more open instead of receding into my shell. ​

I learned an incredibly important lesson recently that I will be carrying onward. I deserve to set my own boundaries, my own limitations, my own deal breakers - all without feeling even the slightest morsel of guilt.

My therapist opened my eyes to who she really was in our last session - a conservative who didn't even vote because 'there was no good choice.' When I say it shook me, I mean it ripped me off my feet and catapulted me across the room. I dissociated immediately, and didn't know what to say.

Luckily, the appointment was nearly over, and I wish I'd immediately ended the conversation - and relationship - there, but I am so proud of myself because I did fire her. It just took me a little time to gather my thoughts.​

I communicate most efficiently and comfortably via words - text, email, etc. so I composed a thoughtful but firm text message explaining why I am discontinuing the relationship and asking her not to respond or contact me further. As elated as I am to have stood up for myself, I now have no ​therapist, soon after cutting off communication with my parents.

I'm now getting some results back from testing for things like MCAS, POTS, and hEDS, which has been weeks in the making, and I still have more testing tomorrow...but there is quite a bit wrong with me that I wasn't aware of, including small fiber neuropathy and some sort of compression in my abdomen. I wasn't expecting extra extra diagnoses. 🫠

I want to write more, especially my dog guide book and the novel I've had swimming through my head for years now. I just can't commit to a set schedule for you right now; it's just whenever I am able.

If that's okay with you, I hope you'll still stick around. 💜