My Life Doesn't Leave The Bed

I live a good bit of my life in bed, with my dogs. There are so many days I can't bring myself to do much, other than scroll the internet and watch trash TV. Sitting up hurts, regardless of back support. It's excruciating just to sit on the couch.

My hips are displaced, but apparently 'not displaced enough' for anyone to acknowledge how incredibly painful it is having my bones misaligned, rubbing into each other. I just want to know what doctors find to be an acceptable amount of pain, and what the threshold is for them to do something about it?

I have tried everything under the sun; you name it, I've tried it, grasping at anything that may improve my life, even iust a little. I tried exercise, physical therapy, I lost a ton of weight, I went to therapy, I tried yoga, pilates, cardio. All of it is too painful after my car accident and I sadly can't do them much anymore. I actually really miss working out. It's something I have always enjoyed.

But of course, for doctors, it's all due to anxiety, my weight, my posture - ​​everything but the actual issue. Getting doctors to take me seriously as a petite woman is like trying to climb a wall with absolutely nothing to hold onto. It's pointless. I find myself dreading every new doctor I have to see, because it's always the same old song and dance.

I want my life back. I want the version of me who was excited to get up each day just to go to work. I wanted to work? And now I'm so burnt out from running myself ragged then suddenly being halted that I don't even know how I was getting up and going to work 4 days out of the week, 12 hour shifts plus one weekend a month seems impossible now, mentally, not just physically.

Unfortunately, I think that version of me died on February 7, 2025, when an off-duty cop careened into my vehicle as I was at a full stop, going at least 50 mph. I'm so surprised there wasn't more damage on the Nissan, but that bitch is a baddie, and she did a great job of protecting me from even more harm, so I'm incredibly grateful. And let me just say - the Wagoneer I was driving as a rental while she got fixed? Awful. I'm so sorry. It was absolutely horrible and I hated it with every fiber of my being, even being several tens of thousands more expensive than my Pathfinder. 😬 Do not recommend, personally, not that you asked.

Being home has made me realize just how much I missed my family. I missed my daughter, my husband, my baby dogs. They're all so incredibly important to me, and I'm so lucky to be able to call them all mine. I knew I was working a lot, which made me exhausted by the weekend, but I didn't realize just how much time I'd lost with them. But I still miss vet med. I'd probably go back, if I could - with a less demanding schedule.

I don't think I could kick it anymore with a four day, 12 hour shift schedule every single week. My body and mind have completely readjusted to having an infinite amount of family time, my body is worn and tired, and it would be very difficult to give it up again. But I could use the money. I can't even make my car payment now, and I don't really know what we are going to do. It's our only vehicle.

My days are now relegated to my bed for much of the day because sitting hurts, standing hurts - even lying down hurts, but it's significantly less. I feel like I'm trapped, doomed back to my bed like I was before I got well enough to work. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get there again. So much for keeping that pact.

But I can't let it get me down. I can't let it make me give up on life, on trying to find a way to bring in income while staying at home, writing in bed where I'm safe and comfortable, and I can be alone with my dogs and the word swirling through my mind, begging to be let out. I have to keep going for not only my family, but for myself.

I owe it to myself to keep living, and keep fighting through the pain.

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