Proper Pain Control for Chronic Pain Patients is Suicide Prevention

Disclaimer: This piece discusses themes of suicidality, depression, and chronic illness. Reader discretion is advised.

In case you missed yesterday's post:

My Car Accident Brought Me Here.

And Now, I Realize My Veterinary Career Was Devastating My Soul

A Daily DoseCammy

The Stigma We Bear

Chronic pain patients often get told that they are overreacting, they aren't in 'that much' pain, and that their feelings and symptoms are completely invalid. We get told that our bloodwork came back normal, so there's nothing wrong, yet we can feel our bodies raging from within. We get told we're "too young" or "too this" and "too that" rather than having our symptoms and experiences validated and working with us to find the answers we are desperately seeking.

Doctors are supposed to be doing no harm, but actively harm people in constant debilitating pain. The way they refuse to dole out opiates at all, even though they are often the only relief we ever get, just furthers the stigma against us, so people call us drug-seekers and addicts when that couldn't be further from the truth. We simply want relief from the agony that we bear every second of every day.

To be perfectly honest, I would rather risk dying of an opiate overdose than go without any kind of pain relief. It is genuine torture living every day in so much pain that it hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to exist. Yet, doctors want to hold our pain to some threshold, some minimum amount of acceptable pain. I don't think any amount of constant pain is acceptable. Why are we just allowing people to suffer simply because people think that all narcotic use, even when prescribed responsibly, is bad?

It's okay to prescribe them for intense pain after surgery or during procedures, but I guess when you live with pain on a daily basis, doctors seem to forget that large amounts of pain are unbearable, even when you look like you're handling it well. We get incredibly stoic when we endure the misery for years on end.

Because narcotics have become so stigmatized, pain patients are struggling to get any kind of proper relief. Then, if we are prescribed, we end up having to jump through hoops to get the pharmacists to fill them. The war on drugs has never been real. The war on narcotics like Norco and Morphine has never been real. It's a bunch of bullshit meant to keep pain relief out of the hands of citizens, even when those citizens are in dire need. The biggest problem in drugs right now is Fentanyl, and no doctors are handing that shit out like candy.

So, why are pain patients punished instead? Fentanyl is still on the streets while we go like clockwork to appointments and pee in cups to prove we didn't sell them, even though no true pain patient would give up their one line of relief. Ever. We are not searching streets for any "fix" we can find. We are searching for answers, compassion, and yes - relief.

Is that so fucking hard to comprehend? Is it really too much to ask?

I don't think it is.

So, What? We Should Just Die, Then?

Genuinely, this goes through many of our heads multiple times a week, I'm sure. I know it does mine.

Pain is a huge driver of suicide. It's a huge component of so much depression, loneliness, and despair. It gets unbearable living in a body that doesn't work as intended, and no one believes you when you tell them you're absolutely miserable and can't take it anymore.

They wait until we actually go through with it, and then they say, "Oh, maybe we should have done more."

They should do more. I understand that doctors are overloaded with patients. Chronic pain patients are also often overloaded with doctors, because we are so often in pain from chronic illnesses. We are tired, we are scared, and we are begging to be treated like human beings with feelings. I want to be treated like I actually matter, rather than just a number on a list of patients. Is that too much?

Is it too much to read my full chart instead of repeatedly asking me questions that I've painfully written on your dozens of papers that you forced me to fill out on top of the paperwork I already filled out on the internet? I don't think that's asking too much.

If more doctors would take the time to actively listen and formulate a legitimate plan with options and choices, I think we would have better experiences overall. However, that never seems to fucking happen because so many doctors are, ironically, too egotistical to put others before themselves.

We end up losing so many people simply because they can't take the pain anymore. It's senseless and avoidable with...say it with me! PROPER PAIN CONTROL.

Doctors are constantly throwing medications at us...as long as they aren't pain relief. Why is that less dangerous than just giving me a medication that actually makes my life a little more bearable? I was once on twice the recommended dose of Topamax, which was very dangerous, but no one said a word - not a pharmacist, not another doctor, no one - until I researched it and realized how overprescribed I'd been. I could barely formulate full sentences and constantly forgot simple words like CAR. How is that less dangerous than just giving me pain relief?

I don't think I'll ever understand that.

And why do we keep being told there's nothing doctors can do when we see celebrities with constant miraculous recovery or the ability to still perform for years, decades even, despite incredibly painful ailments most of us with similar issues cannot do? Money can't buy happiness, apparently, but I clearly see it can buy more options from doctors that us peasants certainly aren't privy to.

So, when does the fight end? Are we ever going to actually be heard, or will we continue to fade into the darkness when we can't go on any longer? I really don't know, and I've lost a ton of hope in the process. As much as I wanted to believe that I could eventually get back to work in veterinary medicine, or at least back to some kind of full-time work, I don't think my very well-documented illnesses and injuries are being taken seriously enough for that ever to happen.

I take my life a day at a time, even hour by hour most days. I try to focus on my family and loved ones, my writing, and making sure I do my best to stay mentally as fit as possible...but the darkness creeps in, and I have to actively push it away each time. I shouldn't have to beg my doctors to believe me. I have nothing to gain by being this ill or in this much pain. It has ruined my life in endless ways and I fucking hate it. I would do just about anything to NOT have to endure all of this, but doctors are determined to ignore that fact from so many of us, and I'm so fucking tired.

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As always, stay happy and healthy, always be kind, but take no shit.