Sure, I'm A Warrior...But I Wish I Didn't Have To Be.

Every time someone new in my life finds out that I have several chronic illnesses, they immediately tell me how much of a 'warrior' I am. The problem with that is simply: I don't want to be a warrior. I have to be a warrior, because I have a family, and suicide is generally frowned upon in most societies, especially for a parent.

"How selfish, so self-centered," they say.

But, is it really?

Let's get really, truly, brutally honest. I have quite literally never met a single suicidal soul who wasn't considering their loved ones in the moments before an attempt. I've never met a soul who wasn't suicidal, in part, because of how much of a burden they have felt they are to their family.

That's the main crux of it for a lot of people, actually. It's the deep sorrow of thinking everyone around you would be better off without you. Depression clouds judgment, making the irrational seem rational. But the decision to leave this world is not inherently selfish. It's misguided; it's thinking no matter how much your family loves you, you're holding them back.

No one wants to go through life feeling like they are the reason family didn't get to fo or see things, have experiences, money, things, if they weren't having to pay for all our doctor bills.​ We are in an insane amount of medical debt because of all the hospital visits, scans, tests, appointments, surgeries, medications, the list goes on. I wouldn't be surprised if my medical debt topped a million dollars. It wouldn't be a shock at all. The shock would actually be if it were lower.

The thing about being called a warrior all the time is that I simply don't want to be. I would much rather be a softie who doesn't experience much pain. I would rather be dancing again, rather than having to give that up. I'd rather be working in veterinary surgeries again, rather than also having to give that up. Every dream I make come true, I lose because my body betrays me. It not only affects me, it's also affecting my family because I now have no income, save for my one paid subscriber whom I appreciate so much, and I don't know if that will change any time soon, or at all.

I just want to be a normal person, and I don't think I have ever been that. I'm Autistic, I have ADHD, OCD, GAD, and a multitude of painful chronic illnesses, and I feel ignored and invisible to doctors. I feel like they all look right through me, and don't even see my humanity. They just see me as a number, another appointment, another steroid injection candidate to further line their pockets. If I can't be normal, I'd love to have doctors who seem to give a shit. I have one. He's a rare breed who has saved my life and the lives of family members multiple times. He was the only one to listen to me when I said I was in horrific amounts of pain.

The pain wraps around me day in and day out like a boa constrictor, squeezing the life out of me slowly, but surely. It's unbearable, but I must bear it - I have to, because it's the life I've been given. As much as I don't want to be a warrior, I am because I have no other choice. I'd get nowhere walking around crying out in pain 24/7. They would probably throw me into a mental hospital rather than do anything for my pain. Women are just emotional, after all.

I genuinely just want to live a life with less pain. I know it will never be completely gone, but I also know it can be managed. I don't think it's too much to ask for chronic pain patients to get pain relief that is actually sufficient, regardless of any chance of addiction.

People in pain need analgesics. Would you rather give us pain relief that we aren't even likely to be addicted to as implied, or have us commit suicide because we literally cannot take the pain anymore? I personally would rather take my chances with the medication, but what do I know? It's just my life.

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