An Open Letter To My Parents
All my life, I just wanted to make you both proud. I wanted to be accepted for who I was. I wanted to get an apology when you hurt me, just as I have always done for you. Every fight, every argument, every misunderstanding, I would always come back and apologize when it clicked that I was hurtful & I'd had time to cool off.
I was Autistic with ADHD, OCD and a host of other mental and physical ailments neither of you seemed to believe I had, even after diagnosis; or if I had it, it wasn't that bad, or that big of a deal...but it was. No one in the family ever took the time to understand me at all, nor has anyone acknowledged the hard fucking work I've done unpacking the trauma of growing up in your home and vowing never to perpetuate that kind of harm on my daughter.
You both seem to have the misconception that you can turn my own family against me; the family I have built and nourished, despite your bad examples. I chose to structure my family differently for a very good reason: I refused to continue the cycle of abuse. On this side, that shit ends with me, & you can never take that accomplishment away from me.
My daughter is very much like me, except she is me, fully unmasked, unapologetic, & 10000% more confident in her convictions than even I was toward you two and you think she's going to put up with the horrible things you say to and about her mother? You know, the one who accepts her fully for who she is, rather than hoping and praying in the back of my mind that her being gay is 'just a phase?'
Well, she comes by it honestly, because I am pansexual, I just never told you. You seem to think I have been some bad influence on her, 'poisoning her mind' when it comes to the two of you. If anything, she's the bad influence on me, because she showed me the strength to not only come out to this family, but also, I don't have to continue following your religion, and I don't want to. I never have. I TRIED to believe in God and the Bible, but I'm sorry. It, and many of its believers, just come off like a lot of mysogynistic, 'Rules for thee, not for me' bullshit to me, and I no longer have time for it. Life is short, and I want to spend it doing life my way.
All that should really matter for either of you is that I am safe, happy, and loved. I learned that was never going to be the case as soon as you tried to tell me my own husband, the only one who has ever loved me for me, attempted to murder me by putting pills in my drink 12 years ago. No, mom. I was incredibly suicidal, overprescribed multiple meds - including Topamax, which made my memory shit - and I was in and out of it.
I don't remember much of that time before I went to the hospital and got my medications properly prescribed. I do know that my husband doesn't have a murderous bone in his body, and that I probably put those pills in my own drink - which he took from me, mind you. He has never even yelled at me. Never. The man even drove you to your hair appointment while you trash talked me and told him I'm not Autistic, I'm 'just bipolar.' A. Stop villainizing people who DO have bipolar disorder and B. Stop telling people you know better than the PSYCHIATRISTS who diagnosed me.
Honestly, mom, all you did was make me think you tried to kill me. I think you resented me. Maybe it was because I got pregnant in high school. I don't know. It's not like I set out to plan a baby at 17. Or maybe it was because I had a psychological reaction to medication over 12 years ago that made me hallucinate and have other issues that you never mentioned to my husband so he could step in and help.
It would have given you an opportunity to step in and take over to 'parent her right.' Well, at least, that's probably what you think would happen, but at this point, he's unwilling to set foot in the same rooms with you. He's disgusted by the levels you've stooped to, as am I. And he would never have let you parent her. He already knew and was on board with you not watching her at all if you weren't going to abide by our no spanking rule, amongst other rules, anyway.
In your quest to see her more, you have done nothing but push my daughter away from not me, but you. When my own father is telling her I'm a liar about the abuse he inflicted on me, she's not going to just take his side. She has seen me SOBBING on the floor throughout this entire ordeal, all because neither of you can be adults and take accountability for doing some really fucked up shit when I was a kid, and you have continued to do it to me as a grown adult.
That's another thing. I am a grown adult. I do not need your permission for jack shit. I also don't need you infantilizing me or my husband because, again, we are GROWNASS ADULTS. 35. Thirty fucking five. Not 5. I can make my own decisions, my own choices, my own way of life, and all you should have to say is how happy you are for me that I have such an amazing husband and daughter.
I guess that's just too hard. Honestly, this is probably still on me for having any faith in the two of you to do the right thing in the first place. Mom, you sat and watched as my father beat the shit out of me multiple times. You watched him pick me up and toss me to the floor, and then conveniently 'forgot.' Yeah, of course you did, because then you'd have to admit you were a fucking accomplice.
You protect dad at all costs, and it's sad. He treats you like gum on the bottom of his shoe, and yet, you still flock to him. You still act like he's not an adult capable of washing his own clothes, for gods sake. That's not a husband, it's a manchild, and you are his mother.
Dad, you need to learn how to take accountability. You really, really do. If you could just admit when you're wrong and apologize to me, not just admit it to my mother, I wouldn't have to go no contact. You're abusive, abrasive, and you need a fucking reality check. You should be caring for mom, not the other way around. You are able bodied while she is absolutely not. You should be doting on her because she fucking doted on your lazy ass for decades.
I'm so tired of the narrative that I have to respect you because you provided for the family. No, the hell I don't. You never respected me, so why should I respect you? You go behind my back and talk shit about me, even in texts to my daughter, and you expect me to be okay with that? You expect me to just deal with it and keep subjecting myself to your inability to accept responsibility when you hurt people.
I don't know why I thought I was exempt from your shit-talking, mom, but I did, until you did it to my husband and he told me straight up. He and I are a team; one that actually works together, and you can't take that away from me with your lies. You're jealous. I get it. He's a fucking catch and handsome as hell. The whole package. But it's not my fault you married an asshole.
I hope that half-assed lie was worth losing your daughter, son-in-law, and possibly even your granddaughter. Tread lightly with that one. She's ruthless. I've taught her well. ☺️
