I Was Taught To Spank My Kid.

My parents were top fans of corporal punishment, doling out spankings, whoopings, like they were going out of style, daily, and for every little thing. My tone was wrong. Spanking. My words were rude. Spanking. I was too direct. Spanking. I cried too long. Spanking. I got upset over something they decided I shouldn’t be upset by. Spanking. It didn’t really matter. Always spanking. Spanking. Spanking.

My poor butt was worn raw from the amount of whoopings I received each week, and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing that was so inherently wrong. I never got much of an explanation for a spanking, just anger. Anger has always been my parents’ love language. I thought if I chose to have kids, I’d raise them differently.

When I got pregnant with my daughter at 17, it certainly wasn’t planned. However, I quickly started to get really excited about having a little one. My husband is, and always has been, an amazing partner and father, so I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about him ditching me halfway through the pregnancy.

When our daughter was born, we unfortunately followed my parents’ lead. We did spank for a while when she was a child, and I’ve regretted it every day of my life. She was never spanked anywhere near as hard as my parents did me, but it was hard enough for it to hurt her, and no hitting is ever okay, no matter how “soft.” By the time she was around 6, we had ditched spanking entirely, realizing how damaging it can actually be for the child after reading a published study.

I immediately stopped spanking that same day, and encouraged my sister to stop spanking her children, but they are still spanking her at 17 years old. It’s fucking weird, and it’s disturbing, and it’s wrong. Kids don’t need spankings, they need direction and guidance. They need help understanding when they do something wrong, and why it’s not okay for them to do it. They don’t need to be smacked into submission. You aren’t actually teaching your child anything other than he or she should fear you - and they will fear you.

It finally dawned on me that I was psychologically damaged, but I was too involved, too close to my parents for me to really see it. I have a lot of trauma from all of those whoopings. They escalated far past just spankings, into slaps and throwing me across the floor. I could never do that to my daughter. She is 16, nearly 17, and I have such a strong bond with her because I stopped spanking and started actually parenting.

The problem with kids today isn’t that they need a spanking. They need attention. They need involvement, they need compassion, love, restraint, patience…I could go on. Parents don’t want to do the hard parts anymore, they just want a quick fix and for their child to leave them alone. That’s not conducive to raising a functional human being capable of contributing to society in any meaningful way.

I chose to tell my daughter that she could come to me with anything, and actually meant it. She can come to me with the most heinous shit I’ve ever heard, and yeah, I’m gonna turn her ass in, but I’m also going to listen and hear her out with empathy for what she’s feeling. That’s what kids need. They need to be listened to, heard, and understood. They need someone they can come to on their absolute worst day and know their parent is going to pick up their mood when they get home.

Don’t be your kid’s friend. Be their confidant. Be their safe space. Be the person they can come to with absolutely anything, knowing that you will always have their back. I can be my daughter’s friend when she’s an adult and no longer needs my daily guidance for every little thing she does. I look forward to having that relationship, but for now, I am SO good with where we are right now.

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